5 Things Living Together Has Taught ME
Eternal sleepover with that hunk of a man that is yours forever? Count me in!
After three years of long distance (and by long distance I mean needing to fly to each other), T and I couldn’t have been more ready to move in together when we finally were able to live in the same state. Quite honestly? I think we both deserve a trophy for making long distance work. Click here for my tips on making a long distance relationship thrive. No, it wasn’t easy, but we put a heck of a lot of work into making it work for us.
Needless to say it was like Christmas morning when we finally got to wake up under the same roof for good.
One of Tyler’s instructors along the way told him that his and his wife’s goal is to make each year better than the last, with your first year of marriage or living together (whichever comes first) being the hardest. I could not agree more and have remembered his advice throughout this first year together.
T and I have been living together for about 9 months now, and I’ve learned things I never even considered before moving in together. Besides the surface level things we all anticipate like communication skills I wanted to share with you 5 things I’ve learned in the past year to possibly help you if you’re getting ready to move in with your person, or if you are going through a bit of a rough patch after diving in.
What living together has taught me:
1. Compromise is less about meeting in the middle and more about you
Initially, when I would hear people talk about the importance of compromise in a relationship I always thought of it in a way of compromising with the other person and meeting in the middle. For example, T and I both want a dog in the next couple years. Tyler wants a big short haired dog, while I want a little hand held fluff ball! Our agreement? We get a medium size furryish dog! Perfect, right?! A bernidoodle to be exact!
But what I’ve learned these past 9 months is that compromise in a relationship is less about meeting in the middle, and more about compromising with yourself.
The phrase “would you rather be happy, or would you rather be right” is sort of the center of what I’m talking about. What are you willing to compromise about with yourself in order to meet the other person? Yes it’s about meeting in the middle, but with bigger and more important decisions it’s about learning more about yourself in getting “what you want” versus what makes you both happy.
2. I’m lazy - the 1 touch rule
This one may be a bit personal, but I think you’ll be able to relate in some way! I pride myself on being pretty clean. I’m not a “spend 7 hours a week making the house spotless” sort of a gal. But I definitely do not like clutter or a dirty space. This year I have realized I sort of leave stuff all over the place!! Slightly embarrassing to admit, but with Tyler being almost 8 years deep in the military way of life, his stuff is always folded neatly and put away in it’s special place. So my water bottle that’s been on the coffee table for a day and a half really stands out!
Recently I’ve been putting in the effort to implement the “one touch rule” into my life. For example, if I’m making breakfast and I use the pan, as soon as I’m done with the pan I don’t just leave it in the sink, but I go right over and clean it before eating. Or, instead of trying an outfit on and leaving it on the couch, I hang it right back up.
This ladies and gents, is harder than it sounds! But definitely a good habit to pick up for the both of us.
3. Being a wife means more to me than I thought
I’ve always been excited about the thought of creating my own little family, with our own routines, our own traditions, etc. I’ve always looked forward to the thought of being a wife. By nature, I’m sort of a “babbier.” I always like to make sure T is happy, comfortable, fed...lol.
However, I’ve also always held the expectation to make a name for myself. I’ve always been a go-getter or achiever (hi enneagram 3!). For example, when I first went deeper into the military lifestyle I always heard people talking about “the A-10s wife,” “the commander’s wife,” or “the F22’s wife.” I have always been proud to be by Tyler’s side, but I also have worked hard to discover who “I am” and work hard to pursue God’s purpose for me, being recognized for that. I’ve always said I’m not “Tyler’s wife,” I’m me.
Going hand in hand with the “achiever” personality I have, before Tyler and I lived together I worked all the time. If I had a free moment, wasn’t at Disney with my sis and niece, or had a moment to spare, I was working. I didn’t spend time cooking myself a fancy meal or cleaning up the house until the weekend.
This has all shifted for me this year. I take pride in my roll as a wife. That dinner Tyler thinks sounds good but takes two hours to make? Great, I want to do it. Tyler is coming home and there is stuff all over the kitchen table? Clean it up. I am proud as heck to be Tyler’s wife and yes, that is who I am. The two mindsets have sort of combined. I’ll always be working toward being the best version of me and fulfilling God’s purpose for me, but not at the expense of being the wife I know I can be. The little things like a clean house, fresh dinner, or making him breakfast have become part of my “achievements” for the day.
4. The best version of you isn’t who you thought it was
Piggy backing off of the last is the fact that my perception of the person God made me to be has really shifted. And maybe that’s because it has to match the season of life I’m in now. Like I said, I’ve always expected the best of the best from myself, with the belief that God gave me gifts that I need to use to their full capacity, even at the expense of my happiness. I’d work myself to the ground in every aspect, making sure I was achieving regardless of if I was happy while achieving or not. Which, looking back, God definitely didn’t want that for me either!
Now, the best version of me is radiating happiness inside and out, she’s a joyful person by nature, and she always does her best. Whether it’s fitness, nutrition, relationships, she is always just doing her best and focusing on what makes her joyful. When I’m happy, T is happy, and vice versa. The best version of me is focused less on what I’m doing and more on who I am being.
5. I’m needier than I thought
I cringe writing those words! But, it’s true. When T and I were long distance, all we really needed was a good morning, a lengthy goodnight, and a Facetime whenever we could manage it. It’s funny, but now when living together, that’s not enough for me to feel loved.
Tyler and I have both taken “The 5 Love Languages” quizzes and it has been so helpful in our communication. Tyler works an often weird and inconsistent schedule. I’ve realized, that just living together or being together (physically, like on the same couch) isn’t what we need to actually feel loved now that we’re under the same roof. We don’t have the “anticipation” that we used to have of the next time we’d see each other. As weird as it sounds “just seeing each other” isn’t enough anymore. We need quality time, acts of service, gifts, and physical touch all done in intentional ways to actually feel loved now that we live together. A hand written “I love you” on a post-it note on the fridge means more to me than and I love you before he leaves. And the dishes already done when he comes home means more to him than me texting him “I love you” during his lunch break.
Even if you don’t live together yet, definitely take the quiz here and read the book (get it here) to help strengthen your relationship!
Have you learned anything special after moving in together or getting married? Let me know! I love hearing what’s helped other couples make their relationships stronger!